May 17, 2014 - The day my life began to sound like a made for TV movie. There are lines of demarcation from events in our lives. Some might say like America before and after September 11, 2011. May 17, 2014 - the day I learned I had cancer and now my "CancerVersary" is one of those lines of demarcation. Kim before May 17, 2014 and after.
From 2011 through to 2014 several Doctors had no level of suspicion that I might have cancer. Despite some clues and many, many missed opportunities. I will not bore you with all the details from doctor visits and me explaining I can no longer enjoy my passion (photographing wildlife) as I have no energy. I was exhausted all the time. I was suffering. But soon I would get an answer.
Finally, during the early morning (middle of the night) of May 12, 2014, I awoke with the worst burning pinched nerve pain I had ever felt.
I can't have a pinched nerve! I am getting married in 35 days!! I booked an appointment with my Chiropractor to get some help. Fast forward to Friday of that week, I went in for an MRI. Got up Saturday morning to take Mary Mac to the vet. My Chiropractor called asking me to come to his office to discuss my MRI results.
You mean now? Him - yes. Are the results that bad? Him just come on down. Me ok. Called and canceled the vet visit, called my then fiancé to let him know my Chiropractor wanted me to come down.
By the way - My Chiropractor is closed on Saturdays.
Yes the MRI confirmed a pinched nerve and they found bone marrow infiltration, consistent with Lymphoma or metastatic disease.
It was only the two us in the Chiropractor's waiting room and I had that feeling like I wanted to look around the room to make sure he meant me. During the conversation I remained composed as I always do. That's just the way I am.
I headed home trying to decide what to say to Kerry whom I was to marry in 35 days. Hi Honey, guess what? No, I didn't buy that dress, No, I didn't change my hair color. Ready?! I have cancer!
How do you tell someone, your getting married to in approximately 35 days, that you have cancer?
I won’t go into details as it was a very private moment. Suffice it to say it was much like being kicked in the stomach for both of us. Then I told my parents, sister, brother, boss, friends ---- not easy at all.
The man I would marry, next to my Dad, is the most noble man I know. Kerry and I married June 21, 2014. The best day of my life.
The last year has been many things. Fun and entertaining isn’t one of them.
I finally got my final diagnoses and then it was time to start chemotherapy. Last week of July 2014. When I started chemo I was still hoping that all the tests were wrong, all the pathology, PetScan, CTScan were wrong. That last stage of denial.
Sitting in the cancer waiting room at my treatment center seemed like an out of body experience the first 10 times. I call it the “Star Wars Bar”. People from all walks of life, all types of cancers, ages and nationalities. After a few visits you know what stage people are at with their treatment. Hair? They’ve yet to start chemo.
I’ve had great support and then some from family, friends, coworkers, and my husband and step children. I’ve also learned some lessons from my friends who have or have had cancer. They are my heroes.
I am sometimes bitter that it took three years to find my cancer and when we did it was transforming to a more aggressive cancer. If we would have found it sooner perhaps the treatment might have been less harsh. The outcome would have remained the same. The "what ifs" do linger.
I remember the last good day I had before cancer. I remember the first day after I learned it was a cancer of some type. The first time you hear - you need to check with your oncologist - it's like a stab in the heart.
I hope to stay in remission for as long as I can before my cancer takes off again and I have to face more treatment decisions. Yes, it will come back. There is no cure and I will
never defeat it. I am just being real. I don't have time to play games with myself.
Sometimes - in fleeting moments I forget I have cancer or that my hair is very short and growing. I like those moments. I feel normal, have energy, not in pain, and planning for the future.
I have mixed feelings about my "CancerVersary". I dread it. I don’t care. I guess like those milestone birthday’s - will I feel different once May 17 arrives? Probably not.
I will always have neuropathy in my hands, not be able to eat certain foods that now make me ill to smell them, not drink Coke as it tastes totally different post chemo.
From May 17 onward, I will always have Cancer.Well, I had it before May 17, but that is the first day I knew about it. :-)
For my first "CancerVersary" - I will check the "I am still here" column and that will have to be good enough for this year.
Special Thank you to my family, my many, many fab friends and my amazing husband - Kerry. I love you.
Remission 12-18-2014
- 07/15/2015 Final diagnoses - Follicular lymphoma, high grade - mixed follicular and diffuse pattern B- Cell
- 6 rounds of R-CHOP
- Rituxan every other month for two years (maintenance)
