And I Have. ......

I don't know my final diagnosis. Why? Because I haven't had my biopsy.  CRAP.  Am trying to get it done at KU Med.

Hoping to get it done early next week or the week after. I am getting married in less than week. So I would like to not be in recovery mode post biopsy on my wedding day.

I am frustrated. Hey, you have cancer, but good luck getting a diagnosis. Says the universe in laughter. Ok, that's not how I feel really, but it's close.

My bone mets (see I am already picking up on the lingo) in my arm seem to be better? Is that possible? But my upper back still hurts. :(


Someone please give me a final diagnosis so I can get on with it. I can't possibly read any more survival %'s. With bone mets the average life span is 1 to two years, but your mileage may vary.

Sigh. .............

Surreal

See the oncologist today at KU Medical Center. We know we won't have all the answers we need or want, but it's the first step in combating the cancer.

I am not in denial, but this process feels like an out of body experience.  Watching myself in pain, getting treated, filling out paper work, etc.

Surreal.

Like a Free Ride, When You've Already Paid

When I found out about my cancer it felt like a cosmic kick in the gut. I am at a place in my life where I am happy. To clarify, I have been happy throughout my life, but my work defined me. Now I can have a family and work. I get to be a step mother, a wife and friend to someone whom I love a great deal.

I repeat who gets a cancer diagnosis 35 days out from their wedding? Raise those hands!  I am sure -- I am not the only one, but timing could not have been worse.

The irony of such an occurrence is not lost on me. Not only do we need to finalize some wedding things --- we have to expedite my move -- the selling of my house -- the moving of my "stuff" and my wee cat.

Every discussion we've had with our wedding vendors and minister we've had to discuss the cancer. In fact, we asked that in sickness and health be left out of our vows.

I was already very emotional about the wedding. For reference, I am very "Spock" like. Very logical. So for me to emo about the wedding is saying something. We so want to make our day about us and our family. We do not want to make the day about cancer.

We know there will be happy and sad tears. Hopefully, more happy than sad. My fiance is my very best friend and the love of my life. It took a long time for us to find each other.

So ironically, we begin our lives together with me having cancer. Isn't it ironic?

Now What?

So yes, I do have metastatic disease or cancer. Anyway you slice it, it sucks. I don't know what type yet - most likely lung or breast cancer. CT scan next week.

Got the big news today - post blood work for myeloma. I would rather have myeloma -- if I could choose a cancer. I guess?  But cancer chose me. Bastard.

At the moment I am angry, sad, distraught, and numb. 

Did I mention I am getting married soon? Like really soon? So I have also made my sweetheart of a man very sad. He deserves so much more. That is what hurts the most. 

I am entitled to have a pity party today. Don't dare tell I shouldn't. I am entitled to not be strong for a day. I am strong every  day of my life - but not this one. 





 

Urgent

Sense of urgency. I have mostly lived my life with a sense of urgency. I was never sure why, until today. Having the had the pain from pinched nerve in my left arm since Sunday morning  I was sent for an MRI.

Aside from the pain my goal was to get out of pain before my wedding which is soon. Got a call from my Doctor - on a Saturday morning. His office is closed on Saturday's ... wanted to discuss the report. I said is it that bad? He replied just come down. Ok.

I arrive and he asked is my soon to be husband was with me, uhm, he's in KC MO. It looks like I have cancer. Not sure yet, what kind. That is information I have to get this week. I am numb and stunned. My family distraught.

The irony... I am getting married soon. I found a man who is perfect for me and I adore him. I am most sorry for the pain I am causing my him and my family. Next I need to find out what type/kind of cancer I am dealing with before I know what I am fighting.